My phone just buzzed. A group text, from someone headed to an event tonight.
His message: Is [venue] the actual address, or more of a general location?
I felt irritated. He had the venue name, the city, the ZIP. A quick Google probably would’ve handed him the exact address. What he was really asking was can someone tell me exactly where to go so I don’t get lost? Totally valid. The way he asked it just rubbed me the wrong way — something vague and passive about it.
I saw a higher-stakes version of the same thing with a client today. Her relative is having surgery and texted asking for help with her dogs. My client felt anxious, overwhelmed — and underneath that, scared: of what was actually being asked of her, and whether she could deliver it.
Then she paused, and instead of reacting to the big vague version of the ask her nervous system had built, she wrote back one line: What specifically are you hoping for from me?
Her relative got clear — exact days, exact tasks. My client relaxed, because now there was something she could actually say yes or no to. An interaction that might once have spun her out for days resolved in one exchange, because she knew to get underneath the fear to the actual ask.
What are you really asking? It’s worth doubling down on this question, whichever side of the conversation you’re on.
On the asking side, the clearer and more specific you can be, the more likely you are to get what you want. Give someone something they can say yes or no to, instead of a vague signal wrapped around a hidden desire. It’s vulnerable. It means owning what you don’t know, your desire, your fear. When we’re scared, we get sideways, and without meaning to, a little manipulative in how we ask. Take the time to be direct and watch your relationships improve.
And when you’re on the receiving end of a murky request, the same question works in reverse — what are they really asking? Meet them with curiosity instead of assumption. If you don’t know, your brain will make up something scarier than the truth.
This is part of why I love nonviolent communication, and why my Difficult Conversations Prep Sheet asks you to get specific about your actual request and your actual intention before a hard conversation. That clarity is what keeps the channel open between you and another person.
It’s more work than most of us put into a request — we tend to close our eyes and toss it at the other person, hoping they’ll catch what we couldn’t quite say ourselves. That’s not a character flaw. It’s our conditioning. But if you want to get more of what you actually want in your life, this is a skill worth building.
Try this with something you’re scared to ask for this week. What is it you really want?
Happy rest of your week,
Rachel
P.S. This is exactly the kind of pattern I work on with clients one-on-one — the moment where fear turns into a vague ask or a vague reaction, and how to get underneath it fast. If you’re overachieving your way through relationships instead of actually enjoying them, let’s talk.
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