If someone steps on your toe by accident and doesn’t realize it, what do you do?
Probably say, “Ouch!”, right?
No big deal. You’re just exclaiming to let them know they hurt you. It’s almost a reflex.
What happens next? Who knows.
You don’t need to have that figured out.
Maybe they apologize. Maybe they get you an ice pack. Maybe they kiss your toe. (This is most likely if you are under the age of 12.)
The point is, you say “ouch!” and then you find out what repair looks like. Together.
Simple as pie.
And yet for some reason, saying “ouch!” can be really, really hard in other contexts.
I’ve seen this show up in the last few weeks with both friends and clients.
In all cases, the pattern is the same:
Something in a relationship isn’t feeling good.
Person A is hurt, angry, or otherwise Not Happy about an action or a dynamic with Person B.
But for some reason, Person A is terrified to speak up. They don’t want to say “Ouch!”
In the cases I’ve seen recently, this reluctance has essentially nothing to do with Person B.
Looking at the situation rationally and objectively, odds are that Person B will be very nice if Person A says “ouch.”
They will care. They will attempt to make it right.
The problem is, Person A has learned somewhere along the way that saying “ouch” is a bad idea.
They probably learned this in childhood.
They definitely learned this in some kind of unhealthy dynamic, where, for whatever reason, the person on the other side couldn’t or wouldn’t be nice about the “ouch.”
The sad thing is, by not speaking up, Person A blocks themselves from the experience of having their hurt acknowledged and tended to.
They’re unconsciously re-creating the same experience of being alone in their pain, over and over and over again.
Until they see it.
Once they see it, they can choose to get brave and speak up about their hurt, even though it feels vulnerable and scary and dangerous.
I watched two people do this in the last few weeks, to resoundingly good results.
👉One said “ouch” to a service provider, despite their fear… and got thousands of dollars of credit because of it.
👉Another said “ouch” to their partner, despite the dread in their belly…and felt closer and more optimistic about the relationship afterwards.
Victory! 🎉
Here’s the thing: If you say ouch when you’re scared to, you win either way.
1️⃣ Either the person responds with care and kindness, and your hurt gets tended to. (Yay!)
2️⃣OR the person responds with cruelty, distortion, and/or indifference…and you’ve gotten VERY good information about the wisdom and health of interacting with them in the future.
Option 2 is painful, but it’s also empowering.
Swallowing your pain, in most adult circumstances, is both painful AND disempowering. Not a choice I recommend.
Ok, so self-reflection time: Is there an “ouch” you’re not saying?
If so, is your fear really about the present circumstance, or is it a vestige of some old conditioning?
Even if your fear IS about the present, would you be willing to learn what you’d learn by being authentic?
I highly encourage you to say “ouch” in the moment, as often as you can.
Your relationships and quality of life will thank you.
Authentically yours,
Rachel
PS – The “ouch” my client said to another service provider with my encouragement almost paid for our whole year of coaching in one session. What hidden, unexpected ROI is waiting for you with support to live from a more empowered place? If you’re ready to find out, hit reply and we’ll schedule a free initial meeting.
