The other morning, my partner and I were walking the dog.
I was looking forward to spending a little quality time together before we went our separate ways for the day.
He, on the other hand, was raring to go.
He had things to do! Places to be! A whole day to get started on!
Which was completely reasonable. We’d just spent a bunch of time together, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with him being excited to get on with his day.
Except…
I was feeling sad.
And a little hurt.
And maybe a teensy bit resentful that he wasn’t giving me the attention I wanted.
Now, my partner didn’t ask me this in that particular moment, but he very well could have. It’s a question we’ve been using together since the start, one I’ve been playing with since 2018:
“How old do you feel right now?”
And if he’d asked me that morning, I think I would have said…
Four.
Not forty-four. FOUR.
Because underneath my grown-up disappointment was something that felt a whole lot like being a little kid who didn’t want to say goodbye to her parents and go off to daycare.
Don’t go yet. I want more time with you.
And suddenly, my reaction made a lot more sense.
Why emotional triggers in relationships can feel so intense
Here’s something I’ve learned over the years:
A LOT of what we’re reacting to in the present isn’t actually about the present.
Something happens today that reminds our nervous system of something that happened a long time ago.
Maybe your partner is distracted when you’re talking to them.
Maybe your boss gives you a little constructive feedback.
Maybe a friend doesn’t invite you to something.
The present-day situation might be relatively small.
But the emotional charge?
WHOA.
It’s like you’re living in two timelines at once.
And the intensity of your reaction may have a lot more to do with the old timeline than the current one.
This is one reason emotional triggers in relationships can be so confusing.
You might KNOW intellectually that your partner hasn’t done anything particularly terrible.
You might even recognize that their behavior is completely reasonable.
And yet…
Your body is responding as though something much bigger is happening.
Because, in a way, something bigger IS happening.
Your present-day experience has gotten tangled up with an old one.
And until you recognize that, it’s easy to assume the person in front of you is responsible for ALL the feelings you’re having.
One question that helps you recognize an old emotional pattern
I’ve found that when people really try this question on, they’re often surprised by how clearly they can recognize a younger version of themselves showing up.
Seven.
Twelve.
Fourteen.
Two.
And here’s the magic:
Just noticing that you’re feeling like a little kid can help you stop BEING that little kid for a moment.
You get a little distance. A little perspective. A little space between the feeling and what you do next.
Instead of being completely swallowed up by the reaction, there’s a part of you that can observe it.
Ohhhhh. This feels like I’m four.
And I’m actually forty-four.
And this is my partner going to work, not my parents leaving me at daycare.
That was then. This is now.
The feelings don’t necessarily disappear. And you don’t have to make them disappear.
But suddenly, there’s a little more room to be with them without making somebody else responsible for fixing them.
And that’s where things can start to change.
Because once you recognize that an old emotional pattern is showing up, you have more freedom to choose how you respond.
Maybe you still want to tell your partner you’re sad.
Maybe you ask for a hug.
Maybe you just let yourself feel the disappointment without turning it into a story about how they don’t care about you.
The point isn’t to stop having feelings.
It’s to stop letting old feelings make all your decisions for you.
How to use this question without making things worse
One important caveat!
If you’re going to try this question with someone else, PLEASE don’t use it as a gotcha.
“How old do you feel right now?” is NOT to be used as a sneaky way of saying, “You’re acting like a child.”
(Although I can see how tempting that might be.)
It only works when it’s coming from genuine curiosity and care.
And if you can’t muster up that kind of curiosity?
Well…
You might want to ask yourself the question first.
How old do YOU feel right now?
My guess is the answer might be pretty young.
There’s also an important distinction here: Recognizing that someone is experiencing an old emotional trigger doesn’t mean their present-day concerns are invalid.
Sometimes there’s a real issue that needs to be addressed.
Sometimes someone really HAS done something hurtful.
The question isn’t a way to dismiss what’s happening now.
It’s a way to get curious about how much of your reaction belongs to the present—and how much might be coming along for the ride from the past.
That was then. This is now.
So here’s your invitation this week:
The next time you notice yourself getting disproportionately upset, defensive, hurt, or angry, try asking:
How old do I feel right now?
Don’t overthink it. Just notice what comes.
And then remind yourself:
That was then. This is now.
And you don’t have to keep living in that old moment.
What becomes possible when you start choosing differently?
This is exactly the kind of work I do with my coaching clients.
We explore how to recognize what’s really happening in moments like these—and how to make different choices that add up to a radically different experience of life.
Because enormous changes don’t always come from enormous decisions.
Sometimes they come from noticing that you’re feeling four years old on a morning dog walk.
And choosing what to do next from the perspective of the adult you actually are.
Ready for an enormous upgrade in how you claim your one wild and precious life?
I have a few openings for new 1:1 coaching clients right now, and the first step is a free, hour-long conversation to see if we’re a good fit.
BOOK A FREE COACHING CONSULTATION
From the inside out,
Rachel
