Have you noticed that just wanting to change a habit or a tendency usually isn’t enough to actually change it?
(You’re presumably human so I’m gonna assume you have.)
For example, I am 100% certain that the quality of my life would go up, AND I’d be healthier, if I were able to truly savor every bite of food I put in my mouth.
It’s a no-brainer, really. It sounds wonderfully enjoyable and I have no rational objections to the plan.
But somehow, it’s still not happening.
Even though I decided last week that I was gonna do it.
Because despite my conscious mind being on board with the new thing, my unconscious mind has a lot of old patterns, habits, and neural pathways that are blocking the “good” behavior.
Doing something different is going to require that I face those old patterns—and create enough space in the moment to have a new possibility.
Which means I’ll need to support myself to get all the way through The 5 Phases of Doing it Differently.
Those are a map I made, based on my experience and some smart things other people have said.
(I find it useful to have a map, because then I can see I’m making progress, even if I’m not all the way to the goal yet. It helps my brain stay out of the story that things have gone wrong if change is taking time.)
- Phase 1: Blissful Ignorance – I don’t even see I’m doing it the old way
This is the BEFORE state. The old way is just the only possibility.
I’m not even conscious of the fact that I’m scarfing down my food.
- Phase 2: D’oh! – In retrospect, I can I see I did it the old way
This is an incredibly important and under-appreciated phase. It’s where real change starts: Reflecting on the pattern. Replaying and revisiting my “failures” helps my brain learn what to look for and makes it more likely I’ll spot it in the moment. I can cultivate this one intentionally at a set time, instead of needing to have my brain feed me the new behavior in the proper moment. It takes a decision to evaluate, though.
I journal at the end of the day and replay the moments when I scarfed down my food, and think about what I would have needed to change.
- Phase 3: Slow-Motion Wreck – In the moment, I can see I’m doing it the old way; but I can’t change it yet
This is perhaps the most painful of the phases. That’s why it’s important to recognize and celebrate that it’s actually HUGE progress. There may come a time when I can be aware that I’m stuck in the old pattern, but still not able to shift it yet. So I just watch myself do the old way. Ugh. Except I get to reflect on this too, and awareness is actually the gateway to choice. So celebrate—really—every time this happens.
I’m eating fast and notice I’m not willing to slow down and savor.
- Phase 4: Choicefulness – I see I’m doing it in the moment and am able to shift to doing it different
Get out the champagne and the confetti for this phase, because it’s a rewarding one. We tend to think we should be able to just skip here, but often we can’t. But with practice and attention and a willingness to lovingly feel and evaluate what came up during the Slow-Motion Wreck phase, we can get there. We have awareness—and then we find ourselves able to make a different choice.
I’m eating fast, I notice, and I stop or slow wayyy down and savor. (And feel all the feelings in the way that were having me move fast).
- Phase 5: New Identity – I just do the new thing
We could also call this “unconscious competence.” Basically, this is when the new thing becomes the new blissful ignorance. I don’t even have to think about it, it’s just the automatic reaction in the circumstance. We tend to forget it was any other way or that we have something to pat ourselves on the back for.
I savor my food without thinking about it.
***
Wherever you are in this cycle—be kind to yourself.
Change isn’t about flipping a switch. It’s about walking a path.
And progress isn’t always linear. You might bop between phases, circling back before you settle into something new. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re human.
Every phase is part of the process. Even the messy ones.
Especially the messy ones.
So… what’s something you say you want to change, but haven’t yet?
Can you recognize which phase you’re in?
That awareness alone might be your next step.
Differently yours,
Rachel
PS – If you’re in the messy middle of wanting to change something big—like your relationships, your work, or how you show up in your own life—I’d love to help. Coaching is a space for slowing down, seeing clearly, and choosing differently. DM me to schedule a free 75-minute consultation.
