I could feel my defensiveness rising, like the bubbles forming at the bottom of a pot.
A friend was offering me feedback about how my timing the other day had been insensitive, if not downright destructive.
I felt misunderstood. I wanted to explain. A tightness grew across my chest.
But instead of launching into the arguments I was gathering like grenades at my feet…
…a hard-won conversational health habit kicked in.
Somehow, instead of pushing, I had the presence of mind to say, “May I reflect what I just heard?”
“Yeah, that sounds good,” he said, with a bit of softness in his voice.
I took a breath.
I still felt heat in my sternum, and the urge to either run away or start lobbing punches.
But suddenly the energy had a new task: remember, articulate, and understand his point of view.
I began talking, doing my best to repeat the essence of his concern.
Putting myself in his shoes.
I tried to capture not only the meaning of his words, but the emotions and the deeper desires and longings I sensed underneath them.
The urgency to share my side—that tension that had been rising as he talked—was draining out of my body.
As I finished my recap, I ended with, “Did I get that right?”
“Yeah, pretty much,” he said.
I savored a welcome moment of relief.
He still didn’t have any deeper perspective on what was happening for me.
But something important had shifted in the conversation: We were on the same team about making sure I understood him.
I wasn’t scrambling with a sense of emergency to shove my understanding down his throat.
My own “I need to get this right!” feeling was less buzzy and loud.
As it turned out, the conversation unfolded elegantly, both of us feeling understood and closer by the end.
It wasn’t easy or especially comfortable, but it was “successful” by my standards.
Another difficult conversation navigated well.
I am incredibly grateful to my brain for serving me up the ninja “may I reflect you” move in the heat of the moment.
It’s not a natural instinct for most of us, and it’s been a hard-won habit in me.
I’ve done my share of rolling my eyes as a therapist or other mediator invites me to repeat what my adversary just said.
But I’ve also been on the receiving end of skillful reflection hundreds of times over the past few years—not just in arguments, but in all kinds of conversations.
Enough to know how good it feels—even if there’s no conflict happening.
There’s something that happens in my body when I hear my own truth mirrored back to me.
A click.
A settling.
A letting down and letting go.
Occasionally it produces a physical deep breath.
Sometimes I get new insight about my own situation, desires, or needs.
Sometimes all I get is the potent warmth of real human understanding.
Always, I’m glad the person took the time to tell me what they heard.
And so I practice the habit of reflection.
Of, “Can I make sure I got that right?”
And as I practice it in low stakes situations, and with guidance in higher stakes ones, my brain has slowly started to learn it’s the best intervention to serve up in a disagreement, most of the time.
Make it a habit and your connection needs will thank you.
****
Reflection is just one of the tools that can make you a ninja in getting through difficult conversations with grace.
It doesn’t come naturally to most of us—but it can be learned.
If you want to build that kind of skill and presence for yourself, join me for my free upcoming workshop:
The Art of Difficult Conversations
Thursday, October 9, 2025
12–1 pm MT on Zoom
You’ll leave with:
- A simple structure to prepare, navigate, and debrief hard conversations
- Specific tools you can use right away
- More self-trust—and less dread—the next time something tough needs to be said (or heard)
I hope you’ll come.
Reflectively yours,
Rachel
PS – Most of us were never taught how to actually stay in connection when someone’s upset with us. In this free, live session, I’ll walk you through what helps—and how to practice it now.
PPS – What might change if you had steady support to navigate all your difficult conversations? Even longstanding stalemates can soften with the right mindset and tools.
If you’re ready to take yourself seriously as the leader of your own life, let’s begin with a free Possibility Call. We’ll map out the sticky spots, clarify what’s calling you forward, and explore what support could look like. Hit reply and we’ll get it scheduled.
