“Where would you like to meet this evening?” I texted. “ Your house or mine?”
“We can do your house,” he answered.
Yet as I asked about the details, it became clear my house wasn’t the better option.
Soon, the underlying dynamic emerged: He’d assumed that I preferred to meet at my house.
From that assumption, he’d chosen his answer to accommodate me.
The problem was, he was wrong.
I preferred the choice that made the best sense for both of us.
And without his input, I didn’t yet know what that was.
I was totally happy to meet at his house, and, as it turned out, it made better sense given the circumstances.
So when he jumped to offering me the thing he thought I wanted, he was actually doing us both a disservice—in the name of “being nice.”
This dynamic happens so frequently in relationships that some folks I know have given it a name: Behalfing.
Behalfing is the toxic pattern of pretending you’re doing something on behalf of someone else, without the proper evidence to know you’re meeting their true desire.
What evidence would counter as “proper”? Well, them asking is a good start. 😆
Behalfing can look like saying at the end of a gathering, “I’ll get going now so you two can have some time alone together.”
But: What if they’d rather you stay?
Behalfing can look like saying, “I got rid of your old socks because they had holes in them.”
But: What if she prefers to keep them or dispose of them in some other way?
The trick about behalfing is we convince ourselves we’re being generous or kind, but the truth is we’re out of touch with some desire of our OWN that’s below the surface.
We then project the desire onto someone else, and justify our actions by pointing to the projection.
With the “I’ll get going now,” example perhaps it’s the speaker who wants the time alone and is saturated socially?
With the socks, perhaps the disposer is embarrassed by socks with holes and doesn’t want to be associated with someone who is choosing that.
Acting from behalfing isn’t nice. It’s covert and manipulative, even if unconsciously so.
That’s why being on the receiving end of behalfing usually feels pretty terrible.
It’s disorienting and confusing and often comes with a subtle “ick” that’s hard to pinpoint.
Here’s the good news. Even if you’ve been guilty of behalfing in the past, there’s a simple solution:
The more you’re willing and able to claim your needs and desires, the less you’ll end up behalfing the people around you.
Side bonus: You’ll also get more of what you want.
Your invitation for this week: Start noticing behalfing, whether it’s coming from you or towards you. If you spot it in the wild, hit me up and let me know.
On your behalf,
Rachel
PS – Struggling to know or own your desires? Wild Genius coaching can help with that. Hit reply and we’ll set up a free consultation call where I’ll help you get clearer on the longings that are whispering right now.
PPS – Another great resource around getting in touch with desires is the book Unbound by Kasia Urbanek. I’ve recommended it a few times already this week.
